First After A Miscarriage

I used to hear stories of people who had gone through miscarriages and thought it was kind of sad, but not really that sad because the baby wasn't very big yet. My whole perception has changed and I understand the sting and lump in your throat that never really goes away when you think about it. Time does help, a lot, but the sadness never really goes away fully. I miss my little one that's in heaven and look forward to the day when our family can be together forever again.

Im so excited to be pregnant again but there's a feeling that isn’t merely first pregnancy jitters. No, this was my fourth pregnancy. Yet, it was my first one after a miscarriage.

It's been a year, since the tragic news of our third child’s death had come at my 15-weeks. A year ago life changed when a doppler failed to detect a heartbeat; an ultrasound revealed a body much smaller than my due date required. The doctor estimated that our baby had stopped growing at 11 weeks gestation. For four weeks. I was unaware of this. I treated myself with care, as if I was pregnant and jotted down lists of potential baby names, not knowing our little one’s tiny body had ceased to grow within mine. The miscarriage changed me. Part of that change was that it deeply altered how I now carried this new life.

The mix of nervousness and excitement I’d felt with previous pregnancies was suddenly overshadowed by a bit of fear. I realized I wasn't totally in control of this tiny life that I carry. What made it more difficult is that I hadn’t expected to feel this way. No one had warned me that pregnancy after a miscarriage would be  different from pregnancy before a miscarriage. But I quickly learned that it was. I've learned I need to trust in Heavenly Father and have faith they everything will work out.