I used to hear stories of people who had gone through
miscarriages and thought it was kind of sad, but not really that sad because
the baby wasn't very big yet. My whole perception has changed and I understand
the sting and lump in your throat that never really goes away when you think
about it. Time does help, a lot, but the sadness never really goes away fully.
I miss my little one that's in heaven and look forward to the day when our
family can be together forever again.
Im so excited to be pregnant again but there's a feeling
that isn’t merely first pregnancy jitters. No, this was my fourth pregnancy.
Yet, it was my first one after a miscarriage.
It's been a year, since the tragic news of our third
child’s death had come at my 15-weeks. A year ago life changed when a doppler
failed to detect a heartbeat; an ultrasound revealed a body much smaller than
my due date required. The doctor estimated that our baby had stopped growing at
11 weeks gestation. For four weeks. I was unaware of this. I treated myself
with care, as if I was pregnant and jotted down lists of potential baby names,
not knowing our little one’s tiny body had ceased to grow within mine. The
miscarriage changed me. Part of that change was that it deeply altered how I
now carried this new life.
The mix of nervousness and
excitement I’d felt with previous pregnancies was suddenly overshadowed by a
bit of fear. I realized I wasn't totally in control of this tiny life
that I carry. What made it more difficult is that I hadn’t expected to
feel this way. No one had warned me that pregnancy after a miscarriage would be
different from pregnancy before a miscarriage. But I quickly learned that
it was. I've learned I need to trust in Heavenly Father and have faith they
everything will work out.
